Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Parenthetical therapies.

So I checked out a potential new psychologist today. She seemed pretty cool; nice southern accent that reminds me of an old coworker I don't see nearly enough of these days.

Today we got through my (riveting) developmental story (aka, origin story) and some other basics; next week we hope to cover goals and major issues in better depth. I'm sure that overview satisfies everyone's curiosity.

I'm also hoping (ie, need to get my ass motivated) to email that ADD coach from earlier in the semester. She seemed pretty sharp and even the little I actually made use of her helped. And as the semester has worn on I can feel my time management skills (lack of) eroding my serenity and stuff.

All the same, school itself is going pretty well. Most of my papers and exams have been gratifying, mostly, and where they've been lacking I can pretty clearly see my lack of focus contributing (furthering my want of an ADD coach).

In other news, my friends and I signed a lease last night for a house we'll start renting this summer. It's ludicrously close to campus--about a 6min walk to central campus. Marcel will be joining us in this (little) house. I'm pretty sure he's down for it. He's down for anything involving food and snuggles. God, I wish men were that simple.

Speaking of, I was dating a guy and it was pretty good, but we realized we were better as friends. Each of us is also at a very transitional point in our lives, so trying to develop a relationship is probably unwise anyway (as if it weren't frustrating enough already). It kinda sucks, but he's an awesome guy and I'm glad we could avoid spoiling a good friendship by forcing a romantic element.

I've started writing poetry again. It feels really good. If I were more into the whole "My higher power has a plan for me..." I'd probably say that writing was somewhere in that plan. I know I'm a competent writer (some tell me I'm even pretty good) and I enjoy it. Writing poetry has been wonderful; kind of a mix, though, of confusing thoughts and beautiful words at times, but enjoyable to engage. If you're curious what I've been writing, you can check it out over on the other blog.

Work has been treating me well, but I wonder if it's about time I move on to something a little less...minimum wagey. That would be pretty sweet. Having more than merely negligible sums in my bank account would definitely be pretty sweet.

We'll see how that goes. For now, I guess I'm wandering away again. Laters.

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

From an email to an ADD Coach

Here's where I'm at these days. This poor woman. She's a colleague of my mother's and probably hating her right now for referring me to her.  More general news after the email chunk.

So, today i'm trying to make contact with the campus.
After much running about (I've discovered that UMD's website is not really a singular monolith but rather a congealed mass of smaller, distinct websites for the various colleges and their departments. very confusing.) I've managed to gather several bits of data. For one, I can now log in to things. 
Apparently at this point the "block" on being able to register is for academic advising with the English department (as a transfer, I've already matriculated). What I'd like to know is whether the orientation is mandatory to proceed with the semester (apparently they're not rescheduling today's....or listing any further ones for the spring 2014 term....) or whether I can try meeting with an advisor from the english department to satisfy this block. The "reason" for the block doesn't even mention orientation or having to attend it. 
After more mucking about, I finally found the email for general advising branch of my particular college within the university. So I think I'll email them. They probably know about these things.
I still can't reach the orientation office; I imagine they're swamped, what with being closed yesterday and half of today. I'll try them again a little later. For now I'll try this email for general advising questions.

Meanwhile, I'm still scared. I feel somewhat accomplished so far--however dismally--in that while getting through these little goals I don't feel like I'm all that much closer to where I need to be. And all the while I'm still struggling to figure out if I even want to. I mean, I do want to go to school and finish my degree and all that fun learning, but I'm just not sure I want to this semester. It seems so sudden. I only found out I got in last week. It just seems like so much all at once, only to be followed up with a course load once everything does get settled. 
Sorry for the ramble. It's just where I'm at. I'm going to follow up with some advice I got and see if I can hook up with someone in the counseling program to work on these anxieties; I hear it's a really excellent program with good student resources. 

Elsewise: I'm hoping to get more blogging done, too. And writing in general. Yeah, on top of everything else. I still want to migrate this particular blog into a more personal format and create a new blog for the domain name that's more focused on the news and events and commentary and what I'm reading and watching. Here, I'll focus on boys I like and lessons I've learned. Maybe I won't separate them; maybe I will. I'd like to have something I could show an employer to prove I blog/write/think/conjugate. I dunno if my ramblings, occasionally offensive often listless, would impress any hiring types. 

Meanwhile: I left Macy's forever ago. Like, in July, I think. I've been back at American Eagle. It's different, but then so's the management team. And associates. And me. I'm now the stock lead; I'm trying to step up and be responsible and leadershippy. For whatever it's worth. No pay raise, as yet, with the slight promotion. That kinda sucks. But I'm not too fussed at the moment over that.

I bought myself a kindle for Christmas. It's possibly one of the best investments I've made. I say that about almost all my major purchases, especially tech ones, but I've suddenly been reading voraciously since I got it. I'd forgotten how much I loved reading. And all this reading may have the creative juices creek trickling again; who knows. 

I've also been dating a cool dude lately; a theater historian type. So maybe I'll be seeing more theater, too. Who knows, who knows. 

Friday, May 17, 2013

It's been a long time.

Wasn't that the name of my last post? I feel like it was. Hm hm. Well it's still been a pretty long time since I last updated.

So I just finished my last semester at Montgomery College. Prospectively, I'll soon have an Associate's Degree. That's pretty sweet. 5 years at 2 different institutions over an 8 year period....getting there! someday I may even have a bachelor's!!

I did a lot better than I expected. My final paper for that class I always fail? Turned in--on time--no extensions necessary.

I'm not sure what's next. I may move out for a little bit--live on my own at a friend's place for something ridiculously affordable for a couple months. Then maybe go to UMD next Spring? Or maybe I'll launch into the rest of my 4year this summer--take a class or two. My parents are getting close to retirement, afterall, and likely won't be as capable of helping me through to the end of undergrad after they do.

Maybe I'll keep wroking at Macy's--not likely, at least not in my current department. Maybe I'll transfer somewhere else in the store. Or maybe I'll finally land that officey job I've been talking about. Get some real money and reasonable, stable hours.

It would be nice to find a stable relationship, or at least go out and meet people regularly. It's been a while since I had a regular boy of any kind. One with staying power. The last one still isn't talking to me, and I don't know for the life of me why. It sucks cuz we didn't end on bad terms or anything. Other boys I've dated recently have usually been bad matches personality/maturity wise. Like, total flakes.

I know part of my problem is "needing" a relationship too badly; too often I'm the guy who's always available, always down to hang, always waiting for you to be available. And guysquickly take advantage of that, likely without realizing it. And I guess it's okay--I've discovered that if we're just too busy to hang or do much in person, I still like to at least hear from you. A text here and there. A phonecall if you can spare a minute. It's selfish, I guess, but it's nice to know that even though things aren't exactly working, you're still thinking of me.

Eh, it's sad, I know. but that's where I'm at.

Other things are going well, though, as I mentioned. I think this uncertainty, though, about where I'm at or heading has me stressed. Like, because I'm sure abou tthat area, i'm worrying more in other areas that're also lacking stability or certainty. So like this stuff with guys? I think i'm looking to compensate for the stress of uncertainty--in my school or work or living arrangement life--with the relief and comfort of a guy I can depend on/fuck on the regular.

Later I'll have to come back and talk about this research project of mine. I'm likely going to develop this paper I just finished into something publishable--either an article or articles or even a book. Maybe I can focus on that (and finding something income-related) for now as things settle out.

Sunday, January 27, 2013

When did that happen.

I've somewhat spontaneously decided to go back to school. I took time off 2 years ago to figure things out; I had only 2 classes left to get an assocaites degree, but I'd struggled with them. I've been idly considering going back for the last 2 years, but recently I got serious about it.

It coincides with going part time at Macy's. I can't stand it being full time there for reasons I think I've already intoned elsewhere. So now I'm part-time at Macy's, and part-time at school. And it's scary because one of these classes I've taken like 4 times and never passed. And it's scary because it's change. And because I might actually pass--and then what?

I'm kinda counting on having grown up some in the last 2 years. I'm also paying for it myself; I've taken out so many loans in the past that I didn't need to that I feel adding more, even if responsibly, seemed unwise at this point.

In other news, I've been seeing a boy, kinda. That may not be an entirely fair way of describing it, but whatever.

I'd begun worrying, though, that he'd lost his enthusiasm. I dunno, just the tone of his texts and the way our plans tended not to work out. I was feeling frustrated and kinda down about it. But then we were at the movies last night, and he just automatically rested his head on my shoulder, and it was really nice.

I realized this morning that I was possibly more content with the slow & snuggly approach than the previous fast & flirtatious way it'd been. This felt nicer, more interesting. And it made me feel suddenly more grown-up, and that wasn't such a bad thing.

Who knows where this will go; it'd be nice to do something slow & snuggly though. And who knows where school will go; I'd like to pass and get it over with, finally, but it won't kill me if I fail. I'll just be out $450. Which actually does kinda suck. Oh well. Onward and upward!

Monday, December 10, 2012

Over and done.

I just don't know where anything is heading anymore. So, I'm still frustrated with my job, halfassedly looking for a new one. I've been trying moderately unsuccessfully to rekindle my writing. Suddenly I've been considering finishing school. I need to figure out what's important to me.

For some reason, that question's been leading me to my writing. My non-existent writing. I guess because it's expressive, it's enduring, it's relevant. Selling perfume? Not gonna be remembered someday for all the fantastic perfume I sold. It's not that I need to be remembered or adored, just that what I do with the rest of my life, however long that may be, actually matter to me and maybe someone else. Right now I'm about as far from that as I think I can get.

The job, as I've said, pisses me off a lot. I'm not terrible at it, but I'm also not good at it. And it consumes most of my time and energy and leaves me not only exhausted but wanting more from life. And angry. Really angry, a lot.

The kind of work I'd like instead seems to prefer some kind of degree. At the least something more to show for 5 years of higher education than I currently do. It just doesn't look good, I imagine, to go to two different schools over so long a time and not have any kind of degree. Even so. Even so....

I don't know what I want from life anymore. If I'm gonna write, I either need to figure out a system by which I actually allow myself to write. Some manner of discipline mixed with some kind of plan. Neither of which I'm very good at. I also need to have the time and energy, or so I imagine, to focus on writing projects, neither of which I seem to have much.

I'm dithering on again; I'll just quit while I'm ahead. Before I start getting actually angstsome. I will say, however, that I'm sure something needs to change. Just not totally sure what that is yet or how. But I definitely can't keep on like this. At least I hope not.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Uncertainty is my owner.

Right now, I feel like I'm running around trying to do all kindsa things I think I want to do and think I need to do, while unsure what I actually want or need. It ends up a noncommital mess of half-assery instead of any of the useful things I'd wanted in the first place.

Of course, I'm exaggerating, somewhat. In reality, the bulk of it is confined to looking for jobs, considering school, and weighing moving out. And it's the how's and when's, as well as the which and which nots. Do I really want to saddle up the responsibility of going back to school right after starting a a new job? Is moving out of my parents' basement with its marginal rent and into a real place with real rent at the same time as incurring more student loan debt really that good of a plan? But these are things that, if artificially, would move my life forward. And it's felt ungratifyingly stuck in one place for much too long--my patience is running out, which is probably the worst factor of all here.

Additionally, I want to pursue more personally fulfilling, interesting things. I really want to get serious about my writing. I want to go out and be more social. I want to explore the city around me. Go on dates and stuff. But, most of the time, I feel trapped somewhere along the commute to work with pitstops at the gym and food court.

A few months ago, a friend interrupted some ramble of mine to tease, "I don't know what you need. I feel like I wanna help, but I don't know what you need." Too true. Too goddamned true. My sponsor--having evidently picked up on this, too--assigned me to mediate on the question, "What do I need to be whole and fulfilled?" I'm not sure if it's actually a trick question--like "psych! it's self-worth!"--or if I'm actually stumped, but this goes to the core of what I'm struggling with these days.

And the result, of course, is that my first blog post in months is whiney and emo and angstsome--yet again. I'm not sure things are really as bad as I make them sound--it's a talent of mine, making things sound much worse than they probably are through worry and wordplay--but I am definitely confused. I feel like things might actually be shifting about, behind the scenes, under the surface, and it's just hard to see those changes or point to them decisively. Like I've started making notes on my phone  about bits of poetry or ideas for things to write. I'm looking around at jobs instead of simply sitting on my ass and dreaming about them. I've had several serious talks with my potential/probable roommate about locations and rents and third roommates. But besides feeling unsure, I'm worried I'm rushing myself into too many things at once. Or not moving enough at all. Or both.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Sometimes tricky.

Asking for help can be tough, but sometimes tougher still is figuring out what to ask for.

I'm sitting outside my therapist's office before my appointment. And I keep wondering--what am I going to talk about? It's more a "where do I start...?" than a "what is there to say...?" situation, but either way it comes down to needing helping and wanting help but not being totally sure how to ask for it.

There is some major (or at least majorly frustrating) dysfunction in my brain; of this much I'm certain. I'm not sure, though, where it's tripping me up or how it manages to trick me every time. So how do I ask for help? What am I asking for?

It's rather a tricky trouble.

I suppose I could focus on specific frustrations of the week, then talk with him of ways of approaching them differently, etc. But it isn't just with him I need to work on asking for help. I have other resources I don't (adequately, responsibly) take advantage of. Friends, parents, managers, program friends. Part of it is pride, but part of it really isn't not knowing--perhaps for lack of practice at it--what to ask for.

But then, I suppose I don't have to figure it out all at once, do I? Still, i don't want to come away from this appointment as I did last time--feeling like I wasted some valuable opportunity and resource by babbling nonsensically about too trivial things. Oh well, I guess I'll just have to do the best I can. At the least I can feel happy knowing I want change and that I'm trying.