Wednesday, September 29, 2010

I may love Meryl Streep, but this is ridiculous.

I just got out of an interview for an administrative assistant/file processing position at a law firm. I was getting nightmare visions that I'd be working for Meryl Streep from Devil Wears Prada--apparently life comprises two major areas of interest for her: practicing law and her cats. (Actually, the latter doesn't sound so bad; I do love cats afterall, mreow ^.^)

But she's a very busy, very intense person, I hear. Sounds kinda cool, too, in her way I suppose. But very demanding.

It's a parttime position but it'd be from like 2 to 7pm every weekday. I have no idea how American Eagle would feel about that arrangement 0.0

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Lawlsauce, Winsauce, and a Bit of D'ohsauce. Mmm.

So as many of you probably know, I've been applying to jobs. This has provided some lulz, some win, and some ironic stress. (quick preview though: I did get a job :))

As I'm a slut for parallelism I'll ignore my preview for the moment and go for the lulz: So my first interview was last Friday. At Hollister. Me. At Hollister. That alone is lulz worthy. But the truly fappable bit comes when we actually examine one or two of the details and make a ridiculously dorky reference out of it.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Ah, remember when....?

So a week or two ago I was reading about Boeing's plans to get in on the commercial space tourism racket. You see, I'm one of those dorks who prays to the gods of the internets & cosmos & such that something like hyperspace/ftl travel could be possible within my own lifetime. Yeah, little known secret...and such a bloody long shot, by far, that I'll ever get to see another solar system in this lifetime....but.......

This isn't such a bad compromise, I guess. Even some space travel is better than none. Even just the possibility. It's almost like science fiction beginning to come to life before my eyes. Fantasies fulfilled, even.

It all gets me really really excited, and always has. Like, does anyone else remember the X Prize from a few years back? (Or who won it? or how lulzy it was that the $10mil prize didn't even cover the $25mil that went into developing the winning project? lulz indeed.) That whole thing had me totally jazzed for a while--and reading this article (the interesting bits at the beginning more than the technical shit at the end...) brought back those memories and feelings.

That incurable hopefulness.

All that business about moonbases or travel to Mars and what have you. Even as just a distant glimmer, it warms my heart some. It might actually happen. For all my cynicism and sarcasm, I can still get lit up by "mights" and "could bes" now and then.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

fml--or, well, I guess it's not so bad really....

So my big accomplishment of the week was finishing my resume. I've been putting that off for.....2+ years? Yeah! How's that for cool kids? Then, right at the peak of my aweseomesauce, things got slightly less awesome on me. Stupid world and its stupid rules.

But first, the resume. It really didn't take me long at all once I sat down, asked my dad for some suggestions, and got a basic idea going between him & the internet. The problem of course was really my perfectionism, egoism, apprehension, and anxiety--all of which were character defects that came up during my 4th/5th steps. And are ones I really need to learn to own, claim, and let go if I'm going to grow up.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Goddamn, this is why I love living in DC :)

Thank you, Jon Stewart. Not only do I actually believe in this thing's message, but it also sounds like a really good time. As you said, "It'll be like a chatroom....only real."

The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Rally to Restore Sanity
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full EpisodesPolitical HumorTea Party



I can't be the only guy kinda annoyed at how extremists and partisanship muck up attempts at progress. You know, good ideas that get called stalin-esque and filled with porky 'compromise' until they're just plumply hitler-esque.

I also love Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert, and anything they wanna do in my town, I wanna be there to fuck shit up with them...in moderation, of course.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

blogging = success (boys = fail)

So I think I figured out how to work around the whole facebook-not-importing-my-blog-to-notes thing--it's a neat lil app called RSS graffiti. Yeah, this is as much a test as it is a celebration.

Meanwhile, things with yet another boy didn't quite work out. This time it was fairly merciful actually--less a lack of interest as a mutual realization that the situation was problematic (distance is a bitch). Yet more proof that geography is made of faggotry. Or anti-faggotry. I don't really feel like thinking that declaration out at this time XD

I've got an early morning ahead of me, I might as well get to it. Also! I (mostly) finished my resume yesterday :D more on that bit of joy later...

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Let's Dalloway The Day Away.

Since I can't seem to find a means to directly comment on my friend's post (stupid tumblr), I figured I'd make a blog post out of my response. This is my favorite paragraph of English prose in all of English literature, the 5th paragraph from Virginia Woolf's Mrs Dalloway:
For having lived in Westminster -- how many years now? over twenty,-- one feels even in the midst of the traffic, or waking at night, Clarissa was positive, a particular hush, or solemnity; an indescribable pause; a suspense (but that might her heart, affected, they said, by influenza) before Big Ben strikes. There! Out it boomed. First a warning, musical; then the hour, irrevocable. The leaden circles dissolved on the air. Such fools we are, she thought, crossing Victoria Street. For Heaven only knows why one loves it so, how so, making it up, building it round one, tumbling it, creating it every moment afresh; but the veriest of frumps, the most dejected of miseries (drink their downfall) do same; can't be dealt with, she felt positive, by Acts of Parliament for that very reason: they love life. In people's eyes, in the swing, tramp, and trudge; in the bellow and the uproar; the carriages, the motor cars, omnibuses, vans, sandwich men shuffling and swinging; brass bands; barrel organs; in the triumph and the jingle and the strange high singing of some aeroplane overhead was she loved; life; London; this moment of June.
I think this highly relevant to my friend's post; here is someone doing exactly as my friend suggests: "Our purpose is to try to understand and find beauty in the world around us, each other, and ourselves because we’re the only beings that can, and that is a cosmic gift."

ALSO: for those still reading: a bit of trivia, a random factoid: there are but two tattoos I courd ever see myself getting: an obscure mark of punctuation (which I'll save for another post) and those last four words from that paragraph: "this moment of June".

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

h0ly sh1tskiez

So I got bored after lunch/while working on my resume, and so I meandered to the "stats" section of this blog. I know it's nuts--but it turns out there are people are actually reading this thing. WTF?! Don't get me wrong, I'm flattered, but you gotta understand...I'm a bit baffled too.

Frankly much too few of you read "Bo Dean is a Funny Man"; how can you resist anything to do with pornstars & lulz?? Seriously people. Read it now.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Ah, Well, Fuck It.

I wrote this Friday morning intending to finish off the last paragraph later that day and post it. Interestingly enough, things have changed. My best friend and I decided to become roommates, I have newfound motivation to apply & follow up on jobs, and generally move forward as proactively as I can. So yeah, i'll try to post more about all that goodness later on, but until then, enjoy....

So far this morning has been a coming to terms.
  • Coming to terms with not going to Sessions by the Sea in Ocean City - Did you know I've never been to Ocean City? I don't care if it's crap or not, I just want to see the damn place someday. Oh, and all that hot program/conference action too. That'd also be nice. I'm totally not so shallow that I'd prioritize going to the gorgeous/fun/sexy/mythical Ocean City or sating my curiosity--sentimental and lustful by turns--above furthering my sobriety/program. Heavens no.
  • Coming to terms with needing a job - Did you know I haven't been properly employed--that is, waged, taxed, and all--in 4 years? I've gotten by living off my parents' charity (ie: bum, unsexiest thing on earth next to a 23yo who's never had a driver's license...oh.) and doing oddjobs for neighbors--which is actually turning into something of a profitable venture. I'm young, charming, and buff, and thus a pleasure to hire off & pay under the table for boring/tedious/grueling physical labor, apparently. I should email back that lady to let her know I'll be dropping by today shouldn't I....
  • Coming to terms with getting a license - I kinda just need it, frankly. Nevermind that it'd make getting/having/keeping a job like a jillion times easier; no, no concerning ourselves with that! It's just plain unsexy. "o hai, so ur mah date?? hawtt. this iz mah momm; she'z buying/making us dinnarz and driving us to da moviez. yeeeees. kthxbye!"
  •  Coming to terms with being kinda fucked up about shit - As one's 4th/5th step is wont to do, I realized I'm kinda a fucker about things. The other day I reflected on a big ole character defect--my avoidance response--and I should probably do more with other defects as it helped make me more aware and shit, but, amusingly enough, I keep avoiding it as I have been for about 2 months now.
  • Coming to terms with not being in control of every goddamn thing - Fuck you, Serenity Prayer--I don't want "the serenity to accept the things I cannot change" I just want them changed. Now. Like I want my server to just be configured so I don't spend fucking hours running in circles relearning/redoing what I did 9months ago. I don't want "the courage to change the things I can" I just want it all to be easy and, in fact, already taken care of. Like jobs. I just want to already have a job--not go out applying. And as for "the wisdom to know the difference"? Fuck that shit too. XD
  • Coming to terms with... - I'm not sure what. The thing that gets me most depressed/haunts me worst when I'm down is a sort of spiritual or existential nihilism. I've lived this sad, slow, shameful life disappointing everyone time and again and falling down on myself all the same with every sign of progress--and it never changes. So sometimes I feel like it's never going to change. That by no measure or actions could it be changed. You can see how this train of thought can be a real buzz-killer.
And the funny thing is I bet if I showed this to any other recovering alcoholic or addict, they'd just smile knowingly and pat me on the head or hug me amiably and say "You're gonna be just fine, kid.". But these last few weeks I haven't even been going to meetings. I'm at that point where I do that thing--I stop liking/wanting to leave my house if I can avoid it. At home, alone, I can exert "control". I can go down to my room, get on my computer, type html or read up on managing servers or revision control or dvorak keyboards or watch Doctor Who or bad movies or MST3k or play computer games all night. I do exactly what I want, when I want; I can run from any causes for anxiety and feel "safe" and "in control. Except, it's not really "control"--it's just a sick perverse "comfort zone", but while I'm there I don't need to worry about all that shit that eats up my conscience the moment I go upstairs or face reality.

It's not quite that bad. Not yet, at least.... It's gotten there and beyond before without my fully realizing it. But I'm sick of it, you know? I don't want to end up at that place again. I doubt there's anyway I can actually be happy that way--being a recluse. It's just false comfort; an exerted existence forcing mediocrity, if bemused, instead of the real life gambles of anxiety and thrills. There are better ways of dealing with the anxieties and pursuing the thrills, I know it. I'm just....not sure how.

But as I said, I can't keep on like I have been known to in the past. Is this coming to terms with needing to change? You know, that goddamn "Serenity Prayer" is actually really goddamned profound. I can't change the trickiness and threats of getting a job, I can't change how a boy I like feels about me, and I can't change that I have ADHD and other issues. However I can continue trying and applying and following up on apps until someone hires me, I can forget about boys--or at least this boy--and focus on things that really matter, and I can forgive myself for my shortcomings and faults and learn to work with them instead of against them. And instead of blundering into the same pitfalls of anxiety and depression, maybe I can spend more time reflecting on what I can't change and what I can, and seek the kind of wisdom to tell the difference.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

One Day Some Day

One day, some day,
You won't find me so creepy
Or unappealing
Or whatever it is about me.
--That makes you pick up your pace
As I call after.
--Or roll your eyes when you think I can't see.
--That makes you screen my calls
Ignore my texts.
Maybe some day. Maybe one day.
Maybe.
Should I wait that long
I doubt it
Can I wait that long
I doubt it
I'm simply human afterall
And you're simply missing out.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Bo Dean is a Funny Man

So I was up all night and at one point I watched this porn I'd recently gotten--Cocksure Men's "The Gay Coach 7", starring Bo Dean and some poor bastard.

As a porn star, naturally he has a big dick. From the way he was...thrusting it... it seems he certainly knows how to use it. He just likes using it to hurt ur butt. He's undeniably an irl troll, and fucking hilarious about it.

See, Bo's fucking this guy who's crying out in obvious pain--and the entire time Bo's having ball, smiling at the guy's...discomfort. See, Bo didn't want the boy to be in abject, bloody agony apparently--afterall the guy wasn't screaming. No, just making pained groans and grunts, an unrelieved punctuation of "ow!"s "fucks!" and "oh God--!"s. I even skipped around looking for that magic point when the bottom wold stop butthurting and start buttwanting. That moment never came (giggity).

I almost had to pity the guy, except it was just too lulzy. He's got enough shame to deal with, making this (cheap?) porn for everyone to watch without Bo making him look like an utter pussy. As you can see, Bo's not really the kinda guy you can just push off ya once he's gotten into his "groove". So this bottom's got Bo's dick rudely up his ass, and he's stuck with it cuz he's getting paid. It was strangely farcical and definitely lulzy. I especially love the look on his face when Bo's nearing the big finish and starts really going to town on the guy's aching ass; he had this look of pure "Oh Jesus God--it actually got worse....!?".


Now you might be thinking "Oh, it must be one of those kinda pornz". Maybe.... But I doubt it: At the end, after finally cumming, the bottom slaps the mat somewhat angrily, glaring and grumbles "You motherfucker! Ugh! ....goddamnit" as Bo continues feeling him up and grinding, saying, "Yeah, that was a pretty good workout, eh?" See, the boy just fed the troll, and you just baaaarely glimpse Bo's total shit-eating grin as he gets off him. So at least we can be sure that somebody had a good time.... everything turned out better than exception!

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Epic Faggotry--The good kind!

So my friend Meg made my week when she tipped me off to this: Tchaikovsky was fantastically gay*. Like, unbelievably gay. Like, Freddie Mercury gay. Like, so gay his fabulousness radiated across Russia and warmed the hearts of millions (Ah, if only the Russians weren't such cold, heartless bastards, eh?). Oh, I came my pants. Verily.

Such a bear; do you think he was much into leather, too?

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Dorktronic Toxemia

It's kinda funny--the title of this post is itself an obscure reference to Doctor Who*. But, seriously, my dorktronic levels these last few weeks have been running dangerously high....

Besides watching Doctor Who (actually, less so than I've been known to...), I've really taken to watching/mocking bad movies (have you noticed?), both already MST3k'd and not.

The other week I decided to switch over to Dvorak keyboard layout--in fact I'm trying to write this whole post with it as practice. The way I see it, the 3 biggest things I'll likely spend much of the rest of my life doing will involve lots of typing--writing, computering, and temping--and i can do without the repetitive strain injuries...yeah.

I've also been fiddling with mah linuxes lots--I've put Linux Mint 9 LXDE on my laptop. Dunno if i'll keep it or go back to regular Linux Mint or try out the KDE flavor.
Big winsauce though--ie monster dorktronics alert--I got Lubuntu working on an 11 and a half year old Mac PowerBook G3 (Lombard). Not an easy/straightforward process. Sure, the Lombard used 'new world ROM' (the first to, actually) so it was somewhat easier**, however I didn't know that or that I had to reburn the cd for the first several hours i worked on it. Then I hadda use an alternate installation disk to do a CLI (command line interface) installation and manually install the Lubuntu desktop via teh internetz because of its shit system specs (hence choosing the ultra lightweight Lubuntu...). I'm actually ridonculously proud of it--it runs almost like a real computer! Honestly, if my friend doesn't hurry up and come claim it, imma seriously keep it and use it to write great works of literature. Or just tons of hot, smutty pr0nz.


But where was I....and/or what was I obfuscating...... Oh yeah! While glorying in all this dorkery, I've been all but consciously avoiding all and every form of accountability or responsibility. Yup. The rest of my life's remained in a state of humiliating but totally personally avoidant stasis. I should prolly get on with...stuff...at some point :/

One irksome thing is I think I hurt my back last week doing all that heavy shit for my neighbor. It was good times and good pay, don't get me wrong, but awkward, bulky, and occasionally really heavy >.< What's weird is where usually I'd expect a lot of lower back pain, it's been my upper back this time--like, a vicious, spasmodic cramp in the upper left section of my back, right around my shoulder blade. Been a goddamn pain in the....back. Lawlz.

Meanwhile, I've managed to get at least some stuff done. You know, despite the want avoidance and seizing back weirdness. So that's an accomplishment, right? Ah, well, I hope so. More goodness laterly!

* Referring to the mention of "dystronic toxemia" in Genesis of the Daleks pt 2 (with the 4th Doctor! :P), which was a thinly veiled renaming of radiation sickness.

** 'old world ROM' would have required an OS 9 installation disk just to get it to boot the linux installation disk...and that's just the installation boot up..... >.<

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

YAY--PROFIT

1. Do shady, mysterious physical labor for neighbor...
2. ????
3. PROFIT

Yup that's my day. In a nutshell. Actually it's looking like it'll be viciously packed. Like, I'm not sure if I should just jack off/take a dump now while I can cuz I don't know if I'll have much of a chance later XD

I guess we'll just hafta see then, eh?