Friday, March 16, 2012

I should blog more.

There are many things I should do more of. Laundry. Poetry. Cleaning my cat's litterbox (but who really wants to?). I feel like lately I've devoted a lot of time to blogging about things I should be doing more of (including, of course, blogging.)

There's some disconnect, unsurprisingly enough, as, despite all the times I've written about needing to do stuff more, I never really seem to. /obviousness. It's prolly something worth figuring out--getting myself into action more.

Being less grandiose & sweeping might help, now that I think about it. I usually make these comprehensive-ish plans that sound all good and thorough and reasonable....yet still fall through. Like that whole getting up in the morning to bike to the gym before work? Hasn't really happened. Maybe I should break it up--get into getting up at 6something and staying up. Start off catching the bus or something a few times until I'm used to/value the routine of going to the gym enough to bike while I'm still (?) waking up. Iono, something like that. In pieces or stuff.

It's not that I don't care about the things I keep saying I want to do. It's not that they don't matter. It's just that when the time comes....I manage to put it off or justify doing it another time. That adds up. The reason these things keep not happening is buried in that, I think. The reluctance, the intimidation, the not-quite-knowable present-subsequent; when it comes time to do something it can seem like so...much, and it's easy to automatically put it off. Maybe it's just habit; bad habit, of course, but hard to shake all the same.

At the least, it's worth facing because it's left my life feeling like a box of broken promises I've made with myself; all of them just shuffled together--no longer necessary to see each one to know what the box contains. It's a bit shameful, a bit embarrassing; it leaves me feeling unaccomplished and even more incapable.

I wish I could say I've, perhaps in the course of writing this post, concocted/discovered some glib, easy solution, but I haven't. Besides making this post sound like all those other posts--"PROBLEM: SOLUTION: PROMISES!"--I know it'd be dishonest to say I had. I need to think on this, talk to people; certain people, because most people are going to say the same thing--"JUST DO IT"--which is occasionally good in individual cases but hasn't yet built any long term, unfailing change.

I dunno. I'm just a downer today. Maybe it's cuz I'm still sleepy. Maybe this is the heart of this recent semi-funk of mine (my mood is like the economy; right now it's riding out a Great Recession). Oh well, at the least I'm too sleepy still to make a witty, memorable ending. Ta ta!

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