Saturday, March 31, 2012

Grownuppy things.

Today I am officially (credit card) debt free! The balance on my long-expired BofA card is at -$6, actually. So now they owe me. Yippee! But there are other grownuppy things mingling about this morning....

There are of course some of the many irresponsible distractions skulking about, too. I just went on a 5 - 10 minute facebook diversion, followed by a 5 minute music decisioning bit (I actually call that more of a neutral player as I think we can all agree that now and then life is no good without the appropriate soundtrack). There is of course blogging this post, too, but it's a necessary sacrifice of inertia as I haven't been blogging much of anything lately. It might even focus me some.

One tricky thing, though, is despite this rare urge to confront things like mounds of paperwork & filing, tidying & cleaning, workouts & self grooming, and such, it's kind of a listless sort of urge at this point. Almost a restlessness--a responsible restlessness, but still. I should, methinks, make a lil' to-do list. 

To curtail committing a hyperbole and a half ("clean all the things!"), it should be relatively short but realistic. 3 to 5ish achievable things, something so I can feel a sense of doability (that's half formula for motivation, afterall) but also one of achievement. Otherwise I'll either never do it because it's too over-comprehensive or I'll over-exert this thing-doing urge without adequate reward and avoid it in the future.

Mhm, mhm. I'll get to that after I finish this post. What's nice, though, is I feel like I've been feeling this kind of "let's do things I need to be doing" and with it actually kinda wanting to--specifically, less out of guilt than it just feeling right. Like the other day--before I left work I made a short to-do list of things I wanted to get accomplished that evening; I promised myself I'd accomplish at least 3 of the 5 things, and I did. I did my laundry and I stripped & remade my bed and polished my work shoes and made a couple of calls--all terribly, awfully, unimaginably overdue. 

And you know something? It felt good. It felt normal. It felt like what I could imagine you guys feel with your evidently more manageable lives (or simply better managed) and you're taking care of things like chores and errands. That subtle bit of satisfaction and relief--"Well, that takes care of that!". And, most importantly, it was laughably effortless and easy compared with the time and energy I'd wasted unconsciously avoiding these things and consoling the shame of not taking care of them. It turns out it's not so impossible. My life may not have to be so self-pitiably haphazard anymore.

So today there are lots of things I could do. I will pick as many as 5, as few as 3. If I finish all of them, awesome, maybe I can do some extras or maybe I'll just rest up for tonight's overnight floorset at American Eagle. The only potentially tricksy part is some of these things aren't as simple, familiarly processed as laundry; it may have several steps and some moving parts, but I don't even need to break it all out in my brain--sort, wash, dry, fold, put away--to know how do it. 

Some of today's things are a bit more frayed and complicated--like sorting and filing all my papers into my filing cabinet. I don't know if anyone else sees how, for a scatterbrained, not-occasionally sentimental, secretly OCD nutter like me, that could get complicated/overwhelming, and fast. It's not something I'm exactly used to--I don't know if I have some comfort zone, some max-per-hour capacity I can handle, or some process that can be broken down and simplified as needed. Like, with laundry, if there's a lot and I can't commit too much time, I'll just do the whites or just do essentials like underwear and socks. This could become so easy to overcomplicate for a guy like me, so easy to make "impossible". I mean, I'm sure I'll be able to figure out this filing thing, but it still gives my limbic system a twinge or few of worry--and, here, I haven't even started. It's not that these things are ever actually themselves that hard as it is far too easy for my funny little brain to make them hard.

Thankfully there are other things I can also take care of today. I could start off with doing my taxes or making some phone calls to get me started. And frankly, if I really need to, I can break down the "harder" stuff into ludicrously simple steps. Get folders. Find marker. Choose major categories. Locate papers. Try out some sorting. Heck, it may even help to set goals--something like "file papers from desk by the end of the week"--then simply work on one or two of those steps along the way to them at a time each day. If nothing else, I can console myself that I can put this responsibility urge to good use by taking care of any of these bits, even individually.

And, knowing me, once I get going, I'll probably end up blasting through the whole lot of them in no time at all; all I need to bypass my idiot mind are those very reassurances--that I can stop at any point, that I am moving in some happy direction, that there are roughly intrinsic limits in each step, that doing anything is better than doing nothing. That's how laundry and bed remaking are; that's how most obstacles in my life seem to work out, probably since they're usually of my own making. Each time, I begin so fearful, unsure, and somehow I end up with everything taken care of--just by starting.

And, with that, I think I'll get started on something(s).

Friday, March 30, 2012

Totally not a pyramid scheme.

But it kinda is--but don't worry cuz it totally isn't! It's called network marketing, see??

Oy. So I spent about three hours of my day off yesterday participating in a group interview for this job offer I got. Of all the job offers I've gotten on the salesfloor at Macy's, the one I actually followed up ended up the skeeviest. Thanks, life.

This guy explained through his life story, two presentations, and a otherwise info-overloading how we could make a ton of money, and what a no brainer!

'Of course we don't need to hear about any specific products (it's patented NDS technology and 30 day money back guarantee sell itself!!!), but obviously we do have a product because that's what makes us legal. Oh, btw, buy our product then get people to sign up with you. Power of two!!!'

Between all the info-overload, the buzzwords, and stats and the bit about buying in and recruiting more "business partners"...I didn't quite feel at ease. I very much felt like they were selling me on joining the company as they were interviewing me for a position, and that felt shady somehow. That and most of the info felt somehow...noncredible? Something wasn't right with this "network marketing".

Of course, I wiki'd pyramid schemes. I do that when I blog. I like making sure I'm using the right word or referring to the right concept. It's just a good practice.

So I had a vague sense of what pyramid schemes are, but mostly I'd been using the term to joke about this company/interview. It was a conveniently available & familiar type of fraud. But as I read the wiki article, it all started looking a little too familiar. Then I saw it: a whole subsection about the trickiness of network marketing.

Between that and the other things I was reading about this company, I'm definitely not joining up with them. Of course, the "expos√©"/transparently planted attempt at self-defense didn't help their case. I don't even care if they are legit (much as I'd love access to their nutritiony stuffs for the sake of nutrition), it's just something I'm interested in involving myself with. Like, even if I did want to make a major life change (which sometimes I think I am), I doubt highly this is the direction I'd like my life to move in.

It was an interesting experience all the same. It may not have been the kind of job interview "practice" I was expecting, but I don't entirely regret going. I'm still feeling a bit unsure, like I haven't quite shaken out all the brainwashing, but even so I know it's not for me.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Wibbly wobbly, bikey wikey.

So I've been biking to work again. As I realized this week, I could have been again for a while, but was prolly just too pussy/lazy. Lame.

Meanwhile, I rediscovered my saddle-bag-like-bike-attachy-bag thing. You know those things. Yeah. Anyway, it's waterproof. And big enough to pack an entire change of clothes and then some. So basically if I suit up with a light raincoat, my bag-thing, and push off on rainy days like today, I can still get to work and burn some calories and feel good and change and be awesome.

That's pretty cool, right?

What's also nice about the bag thing is, since it's not slung over my shoulder but hooked to the side of my bike, it's not throwing off my weight as much. For realz. I've discovered I can do all the wibbly wobbly things again, like leaning into turns and directing the bike with my abs/lower body. It's really cool! It also feels so much nicer than those heavy ass bags giving me all kindsa back aches. Mhm.

Anyway, this morning is ridiculously dreary and boring so I think imma try to figure out why I'm still so tired. Aka, nap. XD

Friday, March 23, 2012

Losing it.

Besides the obvious and infuriating irony of the situation, I think part of why losing my wallet upset me as much as it did was due to my long, frustrating habit of losing things. Usually at bad times. Or so my brain tells me.

It probably comes as no surprise that I'm a bit absent-minded, harebrained even. A nutty professor type (crossed with strains of Hunter S. Thompson and Joan Didion, or so I console myself). That I lose things--lots--is just part of my shtick. But it's really fucking annoying most of the time.

Recently I've lost three-ish things that were of moderate to significant importance to me,

  1. the aforeblogged wallet
  2. my housekeys (which also had a copy of my bike key and the little scanny thing for the gym)
  3. my bike light (that thing was badass).

Sigh. It's just frustrating. And sucky. And it keeps happening. I wonder if it's a problem of personal organization? Or stuff? Probably. But that would prolly require some organization on my part to get myself organized into re-organizing things better. That's too much effort.

I could blame it on not having my own (contiguous) space. Like, the opposite phenomenon--the stalagmite of clothes that accumulates on my desk chair every week--happens for that reason: I head for bed and take off my pants and shirt and stuff and fall into bed/sleep. If my actual changing area weren't some 40ft away, behind a door, around a corner, maybe this stuff would end up somewhere at least half sensible? Hm.

Anyway, thought I'd gripe randomly about this some more. I've found the more I blog, the more traffic I get. I like getting traffic because it makes me feel loved. I like feeling loved.

Anyways, have a great weekend, everyone!

Couldn't be less pleased.

Well, that's an exaggeration, but it's in the name mildly ironic play on words necessitated by a lack of anything cleverer. Totally.

So I got asked on a really lovely date for last night. Nothing too crazy. Just grabbing gelato in Chinatown and walking the National Mall. Kinda sweet, really; certainly a lovely way to meet and get to know someone, yeah?

But I'd lost my wallet.

Of course, I'm too proud/unsmart to think to ask someone to lend me cash (like, 3 different people all said they would've), and of course I look everywhere. So I got to look kind like a lameass. I mean the guy seems to be pretty understanding but...still. I feel like a jerk all the same.

What sucked was I couldn't even buy myself a pizza to console myself! How unfair is that!? You know, in a totally it-was-prolly-for-the-best-you-didn't-you-fat-asshole kinda way.

But then I found it. I found my damn wallet. In my gymbag. In the pocket I normally would have put it in if I were to have put my wallet somewhere in that bag. Granted, I've been using all of three different bags this week (and thoroughly tore two of them inside out, twice), but still...why didn't that perfectly obvious possibility occur to me?

Of course it does me no good to complain. And, really, I'm not entirely ungrateful. As I lay in bed this morning, I dreaded how I was going to replace my various things (all three of them) that I keep in my wallet. And when. Oh, Lord, that woulda been tough-ish.

And, hey, on the plus side, this is the first time I've blogged from my desk (verse my bed) in I don't know how long. Yup. My room got a little bit neater cuzza this incident. And for that we can all be grateful.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Why would I want to date Ann Coulter?

So many things wrong with that. I mean I know she has a penis but I doubt I'd want to touch it. (score one for suggesting 'strong' women are actually men! >.<) Point is, I'm gay, and evidently liberal, also ostensibly frontal-lobe capable, so it's an absurd suggestion. And yet some ad-bot seems to think otherwise.

Clearly, she's in a fairly weak disguise on the right. 
As I was browsing and replying to some hot guys on OKcupid, the adslot on the right was trying to hook me up with some hot local singles! Except they were girls. (Clearly, the adbot is under Coulter's influence!) I wasn't really paying any attention (as is often the case with anything that has boobs) until one face caught my eye--Coulter badly disguised as a glossy lipped, dark haired harlot!!

Supposedly these adbots are supposed to stalk your interests and deliver enticingly relevant goodies you can't help but click. Right? So while I suppose it's on track with offering me hot singles, it's way off by offering me ladies. Do not want.

So where are the hot buff sexy guys who want to hook up with me, hm??

I think the easy answer (besides the adbot's having been made with very cheap parts) is roughly something like the Mac-virus scenario. It used to be, at least, that one of the reasons people recommended Macs was they were supposedly virus-proof. But that was less to do with design cleverness (hackers are cleverer) as market share. Because Mac users were such a minority, it wasn't time-effective to develop a virus to attack the that OS when you could do so much more damage by simply targeting Windows.

Similarly--I'm a gay. And awesome as that is, I'm a minority. A really awesome minority, of course, but we'll put that aside for now. Given the nature of guys, ads like the one hounding me with local hotties are probably fairly effective on dating sites like OKcupid. However, as breeders make up about 90%, it's just easier for these cheap-ass adbots to put up ads with female hotties as they can capture the vast majority with one ad rather than spend resources to develop a second one to target a (totally super awesome) minority.

As I said, these adbots are made with really cheap parts. It might not even be that costly to have a gay-version, but it's still too costly for internet advertising. Think about how many times you have ever actually clicked one of those things. They gotta make a profit somehow--and the cheaper their production costs, the more money they can eek out in returns on the campaign.

I still want to see the hot local boy-hotties looking to hook up with me/meet me. Sure, I know it's a total fabrication, but it'd be nice to pretend, nyeh? At the least, it'd be better than having a Jersey-Shore Coulter staring out at me. {shudder}

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Bow ties are cool.

A good several weeks ago I plagiarized/stole/otherwise made off with a rather brilliant idea from a friend of mine: He had inherited a couple of bow ties along with a bunch of neck ties when he came to DC to work as a senate aide, so since he didn't have enough to wear one every day he declared Bow Tie Tuesdays. So now, every Tuesday I work at Macy's, I wear bow ties. Sometimes suspenders, too.
It's kinda pretty much awesome. I have about 4 bow ties now (purple+polkadot, black, orangeblacksilver plaid, and black&white plaid) and they rock. It's funny, people see you/me with a bow tie and assume that a) it's a thing or b) you're awesome.

I'm okay with either of those conclusions because both are obviously true.

So: Everyone: wear a bow tie today if you can. Preferably one you tie yourself (don't be a poser), and preferably a cool one (redundant!). Let's make Bow Tie Tuesday a thing!

Friday, March 16, 2012

I should blog more.

There are many things I should do more of. Laundry. Poetry. Cleaning my cat's litterbox (but who really wants to?). I feel like lately I've devoted a lot of time to blogging about things I should be doing more of (including, of course, blogging.)

There's some disconnect, unsurprisingly enough, as, despite all the times I've written about needing to do stuff more, I never really seem to. /obviousness. It's prolly something worth figuring out--getting myself into action more.

Being less grandiose & sweeping might help, now that I think about it. I usually make these comprehensive-ish plans that sound all good and thorough and reasonable....yet still fall through. Like that whole getting up in the morning to bike to the gym before work? Hasn't really happened. Maybe I should break it up--get into getting up at 6something and staying up. Start off catching the bus or something a few times until I'm used to/value the routine of going to the gym enough to bike while I'm still (?) waking up. Iono, something like that. In pieces or stuff.

It's not that I don't care about the things I keep saying I want to do. It's not that they don't matter. It's just that when the time comes....I manage to put it off or justify doing it another time. That adds up. The reason these things keep not happening is buried in that, I think. The reluctance, the intimidation, the not-quite-knowable present-subsequent; when it comes time to do something it can seem like so...much, and it's easy to automatically put it off. Maybe it's just habit; bad habit, of course, but hard to shake all the same.

At the least, it's worth facing because it's left my life feeling like a box of broken promises I've made with myself; all of them just shuffled together--no longer necessary to see each one to know what the box contains. It's a bit shameful, a bit embarrassing; it leaves me feeling unaccomplished and even more incapable.

I wish I could say I've, perhaps in the course of writing this post, concocted/discovered some glib, easy solution, but I haven't. Besides making this post sound like all those other posts--"PROBLEM: SOLUTION: PROMISES!"--I know it'd be dishonest to say I had. I need to think on this, talk to people; certain people, because most people are going to say the same thing--"JUST DO IT"--which is occasionally good in individual cases but hasn't yet built any long term, unfailing change.

I dunno. I'm just a downer today. Maybe it's cuz I'm still sleepy. Maybe this is the heart of this recent semi-funk of mine (my mood is like the economy; right now it's riding out a Great Recession). Oh well, at the least I'm too sleepy still to make a witty, memorable ending. Ta ta!

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Been a while, nyeh?

It feels like a cop out saying this, but I guess I got busy? Thing is I can't exactly say what I was so busy with--work, dating, relaxing, or miscellaneous. I do that though. You give me free time, I expend it randomly but thoroughly.

It sucks that there have been some interesting things in the news or articles I've read that I wanted to comment on but never got around to. I guess I'll see if any are still viable relevance-wise.

Honestly, nothing too serious seems to have happened. Maybe that's why I wasn't blogging--nothing to blog about. (Plus laziness; the fewer juicy, angsty, or otherwise intriguing things that happen the less my posts write themselves.) A lot of the stressy credit card stuff at work has lifted (I still need credit but I'm less worried about it). Basically, I have a better grasp of its relevance while also playing to my strengths...and stuff.

Oh well, this post sucked, I'll try to post something useful/relevant/interesting later on.

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Too easily forgotten.

I don't really want to get caught up in the Google Privacy Policy fray because a) flamey controversy sets my teeth on edge and b) so much of it sounds like self-interested competitors and self-interested media-holes putting spins of various sort for either profit or attention and c), as far as I can tell, I don't much care. Maybe it's because I'm such a millenial; the internet is my home.
All the same, if you're not totally caught up on it here's a Slate article explaining the big problems with and some possible solutions for Google's Privacy Policy. I generally like Slate for most things interesting, though I would point out some irks I find in the article. But mainly I want to point out some different perspectives on this--my own, at the least--to maybe lend some depth to the discussion. Fat chance, but it's all I've got to say.

For one, I personally have more than one google account, one for porniness, one for everything else; I also have a separate user account on my computer for porniness so it's really easy to keep the two google accounts separate but still, the article omits that possibility or passes over it with hand waving. Yeah, as I'll even admit, it could get tricky if I didn't already have separate user accounts; I made the second account specifically to segregate that part of my life and make it inaccessible to others--ie, private. Private things kept in their private place. (I also separated that out to make it harder to give in to temptation; having to log out and log in to that user is sometimes enough to derail hardcore masturbatory timewasting.)

One thing I don't understand is why people are complaining about a unified user-id-ness. Yeah, I get how you might not want such-and-such information being visible to so-and-so, but frankly I've always lived as transparently as I could. If I were you, I'd ask: Why am I ashamed of this part of my life? Granted, as I've gotten older, I've come to appreciate wanting to keep somethings less visible. Certainly, certainly. I also understand that some people are much touchier about their infoz than I am. Certainly, certainly. Ultimately, I don't want to get involved in the debate serioulsy enough to engage those concerns. I just wanted to point out that some people don't feel so touchy.

The last thing I want to point out is the usefulness of this move. For those that aren't google fags like me, once you're logged into a google account it tends to follow you around the internet through its various services. But here's the thing: that particular feature of it doesn't creep me out, I find it extremely useful. I'm grateful that I can be in my gmail writing an email then hope over to google calendar to check availability and sidle over to google maps to make sure I have enough time to get there in time and then pop on blogger to talk about it; the less I have to stop and log in between each of them the better. Plus, I do believe Google is trying to help not herd us (laaaawl, punz).

An  important but I think too easily dismissed point is how their goal has been to simplify their privacy policies. This article from The Atlantic explains what a bitch and a half actually reading every privacy statement on the web would be. Google's reason for changing their privacy policies is simplicity. In light of The Atlantic article, that's actually a pretty big deal; it would take a long ass while to read 60-odd separate privacy policies (with likely many redundant portions) when now you can read just one. And yet everyone seems to dismiss this as frivolous or even spurious rationalizing before they dive into how violated they feel. Granted, their feelings of violation are theirs to feel, but at least now they can find out about it much more easily--by referring to a single policy instead of 60.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

No sturm, no drang.

I don't want you getting the wrong idea, of course. Yes, last night's post was probably angstier than necessary, but really I'm fine. Considering how much worse I could have bitched & angsted (and, in the past, have been known to), it was a pretty mellow post. I usually avoid too much angst--and certainly too much finger pointing--as it rarely helps. It usually only ends up making me look whiney and lame. Not sexy.

The title referred to that--that the post could have been so much worse. It also referred to the fact this guy was a pretty good find--heartening evidence that there are good guys out there I get along with. It may not have worked out quite to my liking, but frankly, it was still kinda a win.

I think what really had me more upset was that I didnt' need to feel so upset and knew as much but still felt upset somehow. Besides being counterproductive, I knew feeling so frustrated was largely unwarranted. And yet my emotional mind often wins over my otherwise rational brain.

So yeah, it was less the guy having a life of his own. It prolly sounded like I resented him for that. Which, as otherwise noted, would be counterproductive if true. And silly.

Truth is, I've had some other dates recently that were real nice, too; there are, in fact, other fish in the sea. My ending up married foreverz with kittens with this guy isn't the only chance I'll have at happiness in life; nothing of the sort. It's still hard to remember that, though. Especially when the hurts are fresh.

Oh well, last night's post still managed to get more views in one night than most posts get over a week or more! That's probably not such a great thing. Oh well.